I defeated chapter 2!

[perpetual_motion]

 I got to the end of Chapter 2 on "Twilight".  Someone send me a prize.  A vodka prize.

 

 

"What's for dinner?" he asked warily. My mother was an imaginative cook, and her

 

experiments weren't always edible. I was surprised, and sad, that he seemed to remember that far back.

 

"Steak and potatoes," I answered, and he looked relieved.

 

He seemed to feel awkward standing in the kitchen doing nothing; he lumbered into the living room to watch TV while I worked. We were both more comfortable that way. I made a salad while the steaks cooked, and set the table.

 

I called him in when dinner was ready, and he sniffed appreciatively as he walked into the room.

 

"Smells good, Bell."

 

"Thanks."

 

That’s right, Bella.  Gender stereotypes will help you be a positive role model to young women everywhere.  Make sure your apron is appropriately frilly.

 

"So, how did you like school? Have you made any friends?" he asked as he was taking seconds.

 

Quiet, now.  MEN ARE TALKING.  AND THEY TALK FIRST.  YOU GET THAT?  FIRST.

 

[Bella defending the Cullens]:  "They seemed nice enough to me. I just noticed they kept to themselves.  They're all very attractive,"

 

That’s right, all you rabid fans in your tweens and teens:  if you’re pretty, you’re nice.  You got that?  BEAUTY EQUALS PERSONALITY.  TAKE NOTES.

 

[While talking about the attractiveness of the Cullen family] "You should see the doctor," Charlie said, laughing.

 

Wow, Charlie.  That’s an…interesting response about a MALE DOCTOR in a SMALL TOWN.  It’s okay.  Don’t be embarrassed you said it.  Plenty of middle-aged men in small—nay, tiny—towns in America routinely comment on the attractiveness of their male acquaintances.  It’s all perfectly normal and acceptable.

 

Except for the fact that ACTUALLY saying such a thing as a middle-aged men in a small—nay, tiny—town in America runs a good chance of getting your ass kicked.  But don’t you worry.  This is a world where vampires SPARKLE, so no one will notice.

 

He cleared the table while I started on the dishes. He went back to the TV, and after I finished washing the dishes by hand

 

That’s right, Bella.  MEN clear the table.  Their only job near a kitchen is to PICK UP EMPTY DISHES.  Now you shut your yap and do the dishes LIKE A GOOD LITTLE HOUSEKEEPER.

 

BECAUSE YOU ARE A WOMAN.  STILL TAKING NOTES, GIRLS OF IMPRESSIONABLE AGE?

 

In Gym, the kids on my team learned not to pass me the ball and to step quickly in front of me if the other team tried to take advantage of my weakness.

 

WOW.  Just…WOW.  She’s such a delicate little flower with such special significance, that OTHER KIDS will STAND IN FRONT OF HER so that she won’t get hit by something IN GYM CLASS.  Where is this magical gym class, and how easily could I defeat them at dodgeball?  [I was a dodgeball badass in my day.]

 

Edward Cullen didn't come back to school.

 

Every day, I watched anxiously until the rest of the Cullens entered the cafeteria without him.

 

STALK.  ER.

 

Beaches should be hot and dry.

 

And people are only interesting if they’re attractive and show no interest in you AT ALL.  Double points if your presence makes them tense.  That’s a sign of true love, it is.

 

…no longer worried that Edward would be there. For all I knew, he had dropped out of school. I tried not to think about him, but I couldn't totally suppress the worry that I was responsible for his continued absence, ridiculous as it seemed.

 

Blaming yourself for the actions of another, specifically actions that are negative or unhealthy?  CYCLE OF VIOLENCE.

 

Charlie, unused to spending time in the usually empty house, worked most of the weekend. I cleaned the house

 

That’s right, Bella.  BE A GOOD WOMAN.

 

I wondered idly what kind of gas mileage the truck got… and shuddered at the thought.

 

That’s quite the dramatic pause for gas mileage.  I mean, hell, when these books were first written gas prices hadn’t even started to crack $2.00.

 

People greeted me in the parking lot Monday morning. I didn't know all their names, but I waved back and smiled at everyone.

 

BUT YOU ARE SO IMPORTANT THEY KNOW YOU.  YOU ARE SO SPECIAL.

 

All in all, I was feeling a lot more comfortable than I had thought I would feel by this

point. More comfortable than I had ever expected to feel here.

 

VERB.  TENSE.

 

the air was full of swirling bits of white.

 

It’s called ‘snow’, Meyer.  It’s one of those four-letter words that you’re ALLOWED to use.  SNOW.

 

[the ‘he’ here is Mike—Edward’s yet to speak to the Queen of Crazy] He looked surprised. "Don't you like snow?"

"No. That means it's too cold for rain." Obviously.

 

First draft of this scene:

 

MIKE:  “Don’t you like snow?”

BELLA:  “No.  That means it’s too cold for rain.  Are you retarded?”

 

I thought it was supposed to come down in flakes — you know, each one unique and all that.

 

JUST LIKE YOU, BELLA.  Not even the goddamned snowflakes are allowed to be as special as Bella.

 

[Having just spotted Edward again] I looked down; my ears were hot. I had no reason to feel self-conscious, I reminded myself. I hadn't done anything wrong.

 

Feeling you’ve done something wrong when you’ve done absolutely nothing wrong?  CYCLE OF VIOLENCE.

 

I waited for them to get their food,

 

How dare they keep you waiting, princess.  What bastards.  And what the hell’s with the italics?

 

Twice Mike asked, with unnecessary concern, how I was feeling.

 

That’s right, honey.  The dude you KNOW showing you CONCERN is the weirdo.  You’ve got it all figured out.

 

[Reacting to Edward being in the same room] Ridiculous. I shouldn't have to run away.

 

Feeling that you must escape a situation when you’ve done nothing wrong?  CYCLE OF VIOLENCE.

 

"Bella, what are you staring at?" Jessica intruded, her eyes following my stare.

At that precise moment, his eyes flashed over to meet mine.

 

Of course they did.  OF COURSE.

 

I dropped my head, letting my hair fall to conceal my face. I was sure, though, in the

instant our eyes met, that he didn't look harsh or unfriendly as he had the last time I'd seen him.

 

Convinced that the person who has shown meaness to you is a nice person who has forgiven you for your transgressions?  CYCLE OF VIOLENCE.

 

"He doesn't look angry, does he?" I couldn't help asking.

 

CYCLE.  OF.  VIOLENCE.

 

Jessica agreed enthusiastically. The way she looked at Mike left little doubt that she would be up for anything he suggested.

 

That hussy.  How dare she like a boy who SPEAKS to her.

 

Since he didn't look angry, I would go to Biology.

 

Planning your actions around possible reactions of another person?  CYCLE OF VIOLENCE.

 

My stomach did frightened little flips at the thought of sitting next to him again.

 

Okay, at this point, I’m shortening CYCLE OF VIOLENCE to CoV, because I get the feeling I’m gonna be referencing it a lot more.

 

"Hello," said a quiet, musical voice.

I looked up, stunned that he was speaking to me.

 

That’s right, the MAN is talking.  Now you be a good little woman and gape.

 

His dazzling face was friendly, open, a slight smile on his flawless lips.

 

“Dazzling” does not describe a face, Meyer.  The shape of the nose, the line of the jaw, the curve of the ear, THOSE describe a face.  “Dazzling” describes an X-Man.  Who is awesome because she is not Bella.  That said, my coffee table is also awesome.  Because it is also not Bella.  The slightly-turned oranges in my crisper drawer are awesome.  Because they are not Bella.

 

I had to speak; he was waiting.

 

That’s right, Bella.  Answer the MAN.  The MAN wants an answer.

 

EDWARD:  "Oh, I think everyone knows your name. The whole town's been waiting for you to

arrive."

 

YOU DELICATE, SPECIAL SNOWFLAKE YOU.

 

he was obviously wondering if I was mentally competent.

 

Because not coming up with a snappy answer for the pretty boy you hardly know makes you slow.  KEEP TAKING THOSE NOTES, GIRLS.

 

[They’re doing a science lab at this point] His hand caught mine, to stop me, as he asked.

 

And she’s COOL with that?  I don’t care how good-looking some guy is.  When he knows my name, acted like a creep, and then shows up again?  FUCK THAT.

 

When he touched me, it stung my hand as if an electric current had passed through us.

 

Or a dog collar.  You know, one of those shock training collars?  Just saying.

 

I would have written it while he looked, but his clear, elegant script intimidated me.

 

That’s right, ladies.  Don’t ever try to write something in front of a MAN.  He may see your HANDWRITING.  AND DOT THOSE EYES.

 

I was sure there was something different. I vividly remembered the flat black

color of his eyes the last time he'd glared at me — the color was striking against the

background of his pale skin and his auburn hair.

 

It’s over a week later, and you know his eye color that well?  STALKER.

 

"So, Edward, didn't you think Isabella should get a chance with the microscope?" Mr.

Banner asked.

 

"Bella," Edward corrected automatically. "Actually, she identified three of the five."

 

Mr. Banner looked at me now; his expression was skeptical.

 

Women aren’t good at science, ladies.  You can stop attempting to have careers now.

 

Mr. Banner nodded. "Were you in an advanced placement program in Phoenix?"

"Yes."

 

OF COURSE SHE WAS.  OF FUCKING COURSE.

 

Paranoia swept over me again.

 

Gimmie a C!  Gimmie an O!  Gimmie a V!

 

I answered honestly, instead of pretending to be normal like everyone else.

 

World’s specialist snowflake, ladies and gents.  For a small fee, she’ll pee in your morning coffee.  TREASURE IT.

 

He looked fascinated by what I said, for some reason I couldn't imagine.

 

Neither can I, sweetheart.  Neither can I.

 

"Why did you come here, then?"

No one had asked me that — not straight out like he did, demanding.

 

Demanding questions?  CoV!  Should this be a drinking game or is that slightly tasteless?  Oh, fuck it, this whole thing is tasteless.  DRINK!

 

I couldn't fathom his interest

 

That’s right, everyone:  self-loathing leads to hot vampire love.  SPARKLY love.

 

[On her mom wanting to travel with her new husband and his job] "She stayed with me at first, but she missed him. It made her unhappy… so I decided it was time to spend some quality time with Charlie."

 

Making self-sacrifices that are not emotionally healthy will get you a boyfriend!  I DON’T SEE NOTE-TAKING!

 

"You put on a good show," he said slowly. "But I'd be willing to bet that you're suffering more than you let anyone see."

 

BECAUSE YOU ARE SO DEEP, BELLA.  Especially in that hole between your ears.

 

I'd just explained my dreary life to this bizarre, beautiful boy who may or may not despise me.

 

Won’t somebody think of the verb tense?

 

Mike skipped quickly to my side and picked up my books for me. I imagined him with a wagging tail.

 

Seriously, this guy’s a douche.  Being nice.  And friendly.  And not throwing mixed signals everywhere.  Dick.  How dare he interrupt Bella and the beginnings of her very important CoV?

 

[Mike says he thinks the lab was hard for her] "I didn't have any trouble with it," I said, stung by his assumption.

 

Sweetheart, you set yourself up for that, playing an idiot.  Oh, wait; you probably weren’t playing.

 

 

 

 

More forthcoming.  Maybe.  Possibly.  I don't know.

 

 

 

 

Comments

[cosmic.livejournal.com]

Oh my god. Reading just these bits hurts my soul yet I'm totally tempted to go and buy the damn thing. For the awful.

[perpet-fic.livejournal.com]

I'm still recapping, and I'm pretty much tearing about the thing sentence-by-sentence with an occasional exception. Don't read the whole thing. I've just finished chapter 4 and wish I hadn't read that far.