Wanna Get Ficced?

A few weeks ago, alecya_giovanni told me I needed to finish reading Twilight so that I could properly eviscerate it for her amusement. Lat night, I texted her that I was throwing in the towel due to a lack of giving a shit.

I picked up the book a minute ago to read the beginning of the next chapter to double-check my interest (I have a terrible time giving up on books), and I have discovered this:

"I brought the jacket for you. I didn't want you to get sick or something." His voice was guarded. I noticed that he wore no jacket himself, just a light gray knit V-neck shirt with long sleeves. Again, the fabric clung to his perfectly muscled chest. It was a colossal tribute to his face that it kept my eyes away from his body.

That shirt has more description than Edward's face.


It is, as the kids say, on.

I was tracking back through my tags today, and I ended up re-reading all my "Twilight" snarkery. And, having been four months removed from the eye-gouging, alcoholism-causing terribleness of it all, I'm kinda tempted to start at chapter 9 and see if I can get to the end.

[Poll #1415195]

When we last left off, I was hoping to be put out of my misery because Meyer thought that after Bella was nearly assaulted by four men, her main concern should be CALMING DOWN EDWARD.

In case you missed it:



So, we’ll pick up from that LOVELY conversation wherein it was MORE IMPORTANT for Edward to be calm than for BELLA TO BE CALM. You know, right after BELLA WAS NEARLY ASSAUTLED.

::breathes::



Yakko, ladies and gentlemen!

All right, let’s see if we can find the end of this.

I doubt it.

( Jack is pretty. I will hold onto that. )

I threw in the hat last night because my definition of "logic" and Bella's definition of "logic" are very, very different. In short: I own a dictionary and have a working brain. I do not feel the same can be said of Bella.

Having now gotten

( this look off my face )

I feel I'm ready to finish the eye-gouging, sense-losing experience that is Chapter 7. However, if you're new to the game, allow me to present to you my personal feelings thus far:



That's a 10-minute clip, but highly entertaining. I might be extremely biased, but I do make reading recommendations.

Tonight's beverage is a 12-ounce bottle of Mountain Dew. Because I just finished my hot tea, and it's not late enough for booze yet.

( Wherein I start to lose my shit and post stuff from youtube as distraction. )

And thus ends chapter seven. Hope the intermissions were entertaining.

Tonight's distractions from the awful comes from my own journal. I've written a piece of Guy/Kyle [Green Lantern Corps], and I created a Jack McCoy fanmix. So, if you'd like to cleanse your palate afterwards, you can start there.

Tonight's drink is a cup of hot tea in a purple mug emblazoned with "drama queen":

( mmm...tea )

Chapter Six is entitled "Scary Stories", and I can only imagine what those could be. The tale of fear of boys showing a healthy interest in you? The horrible possibility of living with a father who loves you? The dreaded growth of a personality?

What is beyond the veil?

( Let's do this )

Hmmm...more literary criticism and goofy pictures than full-on rage. This is good. This makes it fun, in that, "Oh, look, a horrific house fire with clowns" sort of way.

And now that we're at roughly the 1/3rd point, a very important question:

[Poll #1349978]

I imagine Spider Jerusalem, if he ever met Stephanie Meyer [and was, in fact, a real person], would set the bowel disruptor to "prolapse" and go about his day. Wish I had a bowel disruptor.

Chapter 5 is titled, "Blood Type". I need a drink. And I'm not kidding.

::goes off to make a drink::

Okay, I've got a Cosmo the size of my head. Let's do this.

"Thank you for joining us, Miss Swan," Mr. Mason said in a disparaging tone.

I love you, Mr. Mason. Marry me.

( Bet it goes downhill from here )

Okay, that's it for tonight. I just...jesus h., the shit Meyer's spewing is actually getting WORSE. And even more psychologically unhealthy. Think about that.

Yeah, I'm ending this one on a downer. I didn't mean to, but there are times when shit falls like it does for a reason. And this reason? Is because this shit is fucked up.

Yeah, more Twilight. It's a train wreck, and I can't stop watching the cars pile up.

I jumped up to look outside, and then groaned in horror.

Dead body? House on fire? Two people acting like they’re sane? Not even close:

A fine layer of snow covered the yard, dusted the top of my truck, and whitened the road. But that wasn't the worst part. All the rain from yesterday had frozen solid — coating the needles on the trees in fantastic, gorgeous patterns, and making the driveway a deadly ice slick.

SNOW AND ICE. OMG. HOW WILL THE DELICATE FLOWER HANDLE IT.

( As uselessly as she handles everything else )

Thank you. Thank you. Tip your waitresses.

These are direct quotes from Twilight:

It was better because it wasn't raining yet

It was better because it wasn't raining yet.

This is a book set in the past tense. How could a past event still have a chance of happening? Does she have a TARDIS hidden somewhere?

though the clouds were dense and opaque

Oh, they're not the only dense thing in this "story". And why do we need to know that the clouds were dense and opaque? I would think the basic human knowledge of dense things usually not being see-through would lead everyone to the right conclusion. I mean, if you could see through the clouds they wouldn't be clouds, right?

Mike came to sit by me in English, and walked me to my next class, with Chess Club Eric glaring at him all the while; that was nattering.

Because Bella's complete self-absorption brings all the boys to the yard. And damn right, she's better than you. Damn right, she's better than you.

I present the following quotes as a full block to set up my next snark:

And it was worse because Edward Cullen wasn't in school at all.

All morning I was dreading lunch, fearing his bizarre glares.

I was terribly uncomfortable, waiting nervously for the moment he would arrive. I hoped that he would simply ignore me when he came, and prove my suspicions false.

He didn't come, and as time passed I grew more and more tense.

I was relieved that I had the desk to myself, that Edward was absent. I told myself that repeatedly. But I couldn't get rid of the nagging suspicion that I was the reason he wasn't there. It was ridiculous, and egotistical, to think that I could affect anyone that strongly. It was impossible. And yet I couldn't stop worrying that it was true.

So, let me see if I get this: Bella's happy that Edward's not there. Except that she wants to see him. Except that he'll glare at her. Except that she's glad he's not there. Except that she misses him.

I'm sorry, I can't hear you over the COMPLETELY UNHEALTHY RELATIONSHIP THIS IS SETTING UP. This reads like the goddamned cycle of violence. She's happy he's not there because he SCARES HER, but she also misses him because OMG HE SEEMS SPECIAL.

SERIOUSLY?

And lets not forget these gems:

Mike, who was taking on the qualities of a golden retriever, walked faithfully by my side to class [...] He lingered by my desk till the bell rang. Then he smiled at me wistfully and went to sit by a girl with braces and a bad perm. It looked like I was going to have to do something about Mike, and it wouldn't be easy. In a town like this, where everyone lived on top of everyone else, diplomacy was essential. I had never been enormously tactful; I had no practice dealing with overly friendly boys.

Translation: I AM A SPECIAL SNOWFLAKE LIKE NO OTHER AND ALL THE BOYS WANT ME SO BADLY AND OMG! IT'S SO HARD TO BE SO VERY, VERY SPECIAL AND HAVE BOYS WANT TO DATE ME. WAAAAH. LOOK HOW HARD I HAVE TO WORK TO BE DIPLOMATIC WHEN I'M NOT INTERESTED IN SOMEONE. AND THE GIRL HE SAT NEXT TO WAS UGLY. BECAUSE SHE HAD BRACES AND A BAD PERM! HOW TERRIBLE HE MUST SETTLE!

How did anyone make it past the first couple chapters of this clap? I don't think I'll even finish the second chapter, I'm spending so much time wanting to claw out my eyes. Before, I could understand this as escapist to a point, but now all I can wonder is HOW?

If you're on my flist, and you've read through them, and you like them to any extent, explain it to me. I mean it. I want to understand how millions of people bought into this.

And so we're clear on the rules: Any net-speaking, whiny bullshit will be promptly ignored. You're not worth my time if you're not going to use all the letters in the alphabet to make your point.