Wanna Get Ficced?

So, we watched Inglorious Basterds again the other night, and I--of course--went looking for fic as soon as we'd finished because Tarentino's combination of stylized, glorious violence and his writing make me very happy. I found some really good stuff. Unfortunately, some of it came with an author's note along the top that was basically apologizing for writing in a style similar to the movie and even going so far as to apologize for the historical inaccuracy of the work. And I don't mean, "I didn't do the research, so things may be wrong," apology. I mean, "Um, so I'm sorry this is historically inaccurate, but the movie is too, so I kinda had to," sort of apology.

The. Fuck.

I don't know if you all know this, but generally, when people go to read something fannish they are doing it because they have experience the fannish thing itself. Do I expect you to use PC language when writing about a Nazi killing Jews in an alternate World War II? No. Do I expect you to research the actual war timeline to make sure you haven't made a mistake? Fuck no. I WATCHED THE BLOODY MOVIE. I want violence and explosions and bloodshed and general goddamn mayhem with a side of hot beefcake (I do not like Eli Roth's movies, but that boy has some nice goddamn arms).

If you're writing in a fandom where there is some political correctness or in modern day, I can understand a sort of warning note that, "Hey, everyone, I drop some words most people don't like," warning, but it's not required because you are writing in the style and time of the fucking source material. If you have a character in say, a Magnificent 7 fic (set in the Old West) refer to Nathan as "colored," I do not assume you some close-minded fuck. I assume you know that at the time, that was an acceptable thing to say. Same if you write something based in the first half of the century and write a passive female character. That was how women were expected to act. I have a goddamn brain.

I gotta be honest, if I see you apologizing for some type of usage that is perfectly acceptable within the canon of what you're writing, I assume you have a rod up your ass that has a rod up its ass. I know you're a writer. I promise. And I do not assume that your fictional characters (who are not your creations to begin with) are somehow your secret soapbox for your sexism or racism or whatever it is you're apologizing for. And, hell, even if you're writing something original, I still don't assume that. Writers who write fiction write fiction. I never immediately assume that just because a writer has done something objectionable like used a slur or written a swear or had a character get treated badly, that the writer is an asshole. I assume you're a goddamn writer. Nut up.

This is a strange occurrence. When I first got into comics in a major way about seven years ago, I was basically all Marvel. I loved Marvel. Iron Man, Cap, New Avengers, Daredevil, and a stack of others were about all I read. Slowly but surely some DC got onto the list (most notably the GL stuff), and some smaller companies got in as well (Invincible, The Boys, Fables,), but I was making my pull list for the new 52 and figuring out what I want from it plus adding in what I want from other companies and the numbers are way DC-skewed.

Part of it is that DC is bringing back Blue Beetle (Jaime, I love you, no matter how much I love Ted [and Ted, I love you, too]), and Batwoman is finally launching, and I'm really interested to see what Dick's gonna be like in Nightwing, but the other part of it is that Marvel is so mired in events that I'm dropping Invincible Iron Man.

Guys, the things I would do to Matt Fraction thanks to how much I've loved IIM are OBSCENE. It has consistently been my top two comic every month, tying with GLC most of the time in terms of how much I look forward to it and read the hell out of it, but it's gotten jammed into the "Every baddie gets a fucking hammer" event, and I can't give a fuck. The same thing happened with Captain America, and I dropped it like a damned stone as soon as I found out they'd offed Bucky because I thought it was an insult both to Brubaker's constant excellent work on the book and to Bucky as a character and to readers who FUCKING LIKED BUCKY YOU DOUCHEBAGS. I actually dropped Daredevil during "Daredevil goes batshit and is maybe possessed and builds a fucking Alcatraz in Hell's Kitchen" event, but now that's it's relaunched and not part of "Every bad guy gets a hammer," I want to give it a go. It wasn't bad story-telling or even the mind-numbingness of the event that got me putting it aside. It was the fact that Daredevil had gotten so goddamned dark is was hard to get through for the angst, and when I'm complaining about angst levels, your levels are WAAAAAY too high.

So, no Cap for the foreseeable future (seriously, Marvel, fuck you), and no IIM for awhile (gives me a chance to reread it, at least), but I am reading Daredevil. I'm also keeping regular Deadpool on my list because it is wacky hijinks and astoundingly good at character bits and doesn't get caught in all of Marvel's event bullshit.

Speaking of event bullshit, I am buying the Cloak & Dagger mini because, dear god, I would love to see an ongoing with those two, and I will encourage it even if it is part of "everyone has spider powers" event that I don't give a fuck about. And please remember that "everyone gets a hammer" and "everyone gets spider powers" should not be confused with the "and the X-men are forming into tinier, angrier groups--no, again--yes, really, again--no, really AGAIN" event.

You know, at least when DC throws events all over the goddamned map, they do it once a goddamned year. I honestly can't remember the last time Marvel was without one. I think Civil War is what made everything turn into an event, right? I think it went Civil War, Siege, Secret Invasion, Dark whatever-the-fuck, Daredevil goes crazy and possessed, every baddie gets a hammer, and now everyone gets spider powers. And please don't confuse those with the myraid of ridiculous X-Men events that I can't actually track back because I stopped giving a fuck right around the time the goddamned baby got named HOPE. JESUS CHRIST YOU GUYS A LITTLE LESS OBVIOUS WILL YOU.

...Anyway, if you're wondering what I'll be reading come September, here it is:

On DC:
Justice League International
Batwoman
Blue Beetle
Green Lantern Corps
Green Lantern: New Guardians
Nightwing
Batman Beyond

I considered Teen Titans pretty heavily, but as I'm only really a fan of Timmy and Kon and don't know much about the writer, I'm gonna hold off and see how the first arc goes.

On Marvel:
Deadpool
Daredevil
Cloak and Dagger

Other:
Chew


I've got a short list of maybes going on as well, mostly from Vertigo. I just read the first arc of Scalped and loved it, but I heard it's ending at 60, and it's at 50 now, so I'll probably wait it out. I also read the first arc of Sweet Tooth and am very intrigued. If I ever get caught up on Morning Glories (which is through Image), I may keep going with it. I think I've read the first four issues and really enjoyed it, but now I'm six or seven behind. I'm also trying to catch up on X-Factor, which keeps getting sucked into the bullshit events, but as I've been reading it in huge chunks, it's easier to handle it.

And fuck knows I've got a good backlog going at all times. Right now I'm reading Ted's Blue Beetle book, and I'm reading the first on-going of Deadpool (from '95, I think. Not the mini before it), and I'm hoping to restart The Authority and actually read the whole thing this time. I lost my place from before. I'm also planning to re-read Planetary. And there's as much as the Guy Gardner history as I have, which includes the entirety of the original JLI and the Guy Gardner series (you know, the one where he wakes up with boobs that one time [yes, really]).

A diminished love of Marvel has not diminished my love of comics. Even if they gave Catwoman to Judd fucking Winick. (Really DC? REALLY? DID YOU ALSO GIVE HIM A BADGUY HAMMER BECAUSE JESUS CHRIST WHAT IT WRONG WITH YOU)

There are people going to Comic Con to protest the DC relaunch.

And I mean ACTUAL PROTEST like SIGNS AND SHIT.

Congrats, comic nerds, you just redefined "first world problem."

And I thought complaining that I had to re-download all my comics when I reinstalled the comixolgy app on my iPad was ridiculous.

You. Out of my hobby.

The Daily Mail wondered the following: What happened to the chubby one? The cast of Stand By Me reunite, 25 years after filming iconic movie

There is only one response to this:

REALLY?

Let's run down the cast:

Jerry O'Connell
Corey Feldman
Wil Wheaton
River Phoenix

And Keifer Sutherland, but ignore him, because the article did.

Look, "news sources," the "where are they now" shtick only works if the actors in questions AREN'T KNOWN ANYMORE.

But that is not even the funniest (worst) part of the article. That honor goes to these lines:

Noticeable by his absence was River Phoenix, for whom fame came at a high price.

Arguably the most promising of the young stars, he died of a drug overdose on the sidewalk outside an LA nightclub at the age of just 23 in 1993.

Much has changed for his fellow child stars.

Really? It's NOTICEABLE River Phoenix wasn't at the blu-ray release? Because he's been dead for EIGHTEEN YEARS?! My god, Mail, what other secrets will you reveal? The way you write it, it's like he's had a recent falling out with his fellow cast mates over royalties or a tell-all book. Not, you know, DEAD FOR EIGHTEEN YEARS.

Ladies and gents, I believe a slow clap is in order.

::slow clap::

I posted here about a F!S secret about how the Penny Arcade guys should burn in hell for making a joke that included mention of rape of a completely fictional character by another completely fictional character.

The basics are: there was someone in the comment thread who was making some AMAZING claims on the PA guys, notably that they mocked rape survivors on a podcast and threatened to rape a blogger for disagreeing with them. Myself and other requested proof of these things--the PA podcast is still available for download, and if they threatened to rape a blogger, certainly there's text or a voicemail or something somewhere that proves it--and this person has not responded to any of the requests.

Meanwhile, the PA guys maintain a sense of humor about the numerous ragey blogpots and threats of violence to them and their families. Was the Dickwolves T-shirt tasteless? Yeah. But they're listening to people who are talking to them like rational people and responding in rational ways. Hell, given the chance, I'd get a Dickwolves shirt. I still think the visual is fantastic.

And I do not believe they're promoting any kind of "rape culture" because I think "rape culture" as a term and idea are used to make sure no one ever, ever stops thinking about rape. You can't make jokes about rape, because that's rape culture, but you can't not talk about rape, because that's rape culture, and the United States isn't a rape culture anyway. "Rape culture" dictates that it's okay to rape. That we believe, as a culture that rape is acceptable. There are places in the world where rape is the culture. That's not the States. And using the term to describe behavior that could be considered derogatory (like one man referring to another man as a "bitch") dilutes the real pain and awfulness of rape.

And finding rape funny in a fictional sense doesn't make me part of any "rape culture" either. I'm a rape survivor. Being able to joke about rape lets me have power over the thing that's supposed to have power over me. I can make fun of it. I win. It's the same as taking back "cunt." Rape, as an idea, will always have as much power as we give it, and right now, it gets way too much. Perhaps if we let it into the vernacular as a joke, as a casual topic of discussion, as a real, recognizable thing, the power of it--and the use of it as power--will fade out.

Maybe you disagree with me, and that's fine. But remember this: The PA guys made a comic mocking the idea of "heroes" in MMOs and to show how unheroic they are, had a completely fake character (created from a completely fake character) talk about getting raped to sleep by another completely fake character. And in response, people are threatening to do physical harm to their wives and children.

Team Penny Arcade

In numerical order so I can see how many are ticking me off this week:

1. Characters who are known for being able to read people--and I mean, READ PEOPLE--not recognizing the signs that they're in an abusive relationship. Someone who can read people--no matter how socially inept said person may be otherwise--isn't going to miss warning signs. Especially if said person is TRAINED to read people for a living.

2. Characters who are known to be wary about being in relationships aren't believable when they fall IN WUV and are immediately ready for big commitments like moving in, telling everyone they know they're boning, and doing kinky stuff in bed. I'm not saying said characters can't enjoy kink; I'm saying that to do it the SECOND TIME sex occurs is way, way out of the realm of possibility.

3. Characters who are known for being very closed off dropping disgustingly cute endearments everywhere. I'm not talking the occasional "babe" or "hon" or "sweetheart." I'm talking little nicknames--usually involving calling someone by the color of their eyes--that I'm supposed to believe said closed off character would use. It does not work. To quote 30 Rock:

JACK: "She and I are lovers."
LIZ: "Oooh. That word bums me out, unless it's between the words 'meat' and 'pizza.'"

Truer words, Liz Lemon. Truer words.

4. Anyone, ever, at any point, getting saved from mentioned abusive relationship and IMMEDIATELY falling into bed with said rescuer. And the relationship is, of course, the perfectest thing EVER. No. Just, no. I'm not saying you have to detail every psychological hurdle that needs to be jumped after an abusive relationship; I'm saying you need to understand that there will be PROBLEMS. And jumping directly into a follow-up relationship is BAD. I don't care how perfect they are for each other. Abusive relationships fuck you up.

5. Sappy love notes. "Light of my life" or "Perfection in my life" or anything else that would make most people vomit in annoyance.

6. 5'10" is not short. 5'10" is not "small" or "delicate" or "compact."

7. Stop describing people by eye color. "The green-eyed man looked at his companion," and so on. There are very few times someone's eye color matters, okay? Harry Potter, yes. Other characters? Not really.

8. Stop describing people by their professions. "The lawyer looked at his friend," and so on. I'm not saying there aren't times to reference by profession; I'm saying that most of the time, you're trying to keep things emotionally close, and taking a step back to a person's profession yanks the emotion right out of the story.


In related news, I've been reading a lot of sub-par fic this week because the fandom in question is huge but--quite honestly--not that good.

I read a "Top Ten Slashy Marvel" moments thing today, and I came away pondering. Two things really pinged me hard on the list.

First Problem: While naming Billy and Teddy sharing a Bed in "Avengers: Children's Crusade" made the person's top ten, there was a lot of hemming and hawing about how the poster felt the relationship came off as kind of borderline abusive because Teddy threatens to kill Billy and Billy's note when he leaves on his Grand Superheroic Mission (tm) was, in the poster's opinion, like reading a letter from someone who's internalized the abuse.

My Issues with This: First, the poster hemmed and hawwed about actually taking a stance on the thing. "Oh, I thought it came off as kind of abusive, but oh, I don't think the writer meant to, so I don't want you to think that I really think it's abusive; I just kind of think it came off that way, but I don't think the writer meant to, and they're all cuddly, and that's cute, although I think they came off as kind of abusive" (paraphrased, obviously). Look, if something bugs you, fucking nut up and own it, okay? Don't wish-wash all over the place with "Maybe, but maybe not, but maybe." You can be squicked by something and admit that it's a personal twitch. And you can do it in a sentence. Watch:

"I felt like the interactions between Billy and Teddy were borderline abusive, but I don't think the writer purposely wrote it that way; Some of the language they use isn't language I want used in one of my relationships, but I don't think it's an intentional or even cloaked attempt to set up an abusive relationship."

Ta-da.

Second, Teddy is freaking out on Billy because Billy is wanting to go find his birth mother, the Scarlet Witch who is--and this is no exaggeration--a reality-altering mass murderer who killed all but 198 mutants because she was have a total mental breakdown after she and her robot husband couldn't have children.

I'm not actually making up any of that.

So, anyway, Teddy threatening to kill Billy for being an idiot? Makes sense. I threaten to kill The Husband on a nearly daily basis. And for a lot less than wanting to track down his birth mother who created he and his twin from the power of her reality-altering mind (yes, really). If the poster of the list thinks Teddy threatening to kill Billy to stop him from being THAT stupid, she must think I'm an absolute wretch of a wife intent on keeping my husband in a blanket of fear. This is The Husband, by the way, who responds to such threats by doing whatever he was doing a second time to see my, "angry badger face." Yeah, we're terrible for one another.

Second Problem: The poster flat-out states that she only started reading "X-Factor" after Rictor and Shatterstar kissed on-panel, and further states that she has no plans to read any other X-books because they don't have a gay couple in the plot.

My Issues: Okay, look, I know slash is a kink, all right? I'm a slasher. Have been for a long time, but shit like that? That's what makes people think we're all fucking weird, okay? If you picked up "X-Factor" because of the brou-ha-ha surrounding the kiss, that's fine. People get into comics in a hundred different ways. But to follow it up by stating you're not reading any other books with X-Men in them because of the lack of teh ghey? YOU'RE PART OF THE FUCKING PROBLEM. Okay, sure, you may not ask actors what they think of the porn written about their characters, and you may not got all frothy-mouthed at the idea of someone not getting your big gay ship, but you are still THE PROBLEM. Because rather than say, "I don't read any other X-Men books because I don't find them interesting;" or "I don't read any other X-Men books because I got soured during Chuck Austen's run;" or "I don't read any other X-Men books because I've never picked them up," you say "I don't read any other X-Men books because they don't have teh ghey."

There are slash goggles, and there are slash goggles. Loosen them up a little, for fuck's sake.

It's been 12 days since the SECOND reg crash for Comic Con. In those 12 days, they've opened reg for Wonder Con, and said NOTHING about how they're fixing the problem. They sent out a tweet about how they appreciate our patience.

Patience? PATIENCE? 12 fucking days without a goddamned word from them should get people wanting to go elected for fucking SAINTHOOD. The fact that there hasn't been a mass announcement of people refusing to go fucking AMAZES me.

So, I'll start it: Comic Con gets until Monday (December 6) to tell me ANYTHING. And by ANYTHING, I mean AN ACTUAL FUCKING UPDATE and none of this, "thanks for your patience" bullshit.

I would like to remind people, yet again, that this is a 12-day wait after reg crashed THE SECOND TIME. Comic Con opened reg originally on November 8, it shit all over itself, and they closed it again. Then they said they'd have it fixed in two weeks and would open again on November 22. Which they did, and it IMMEDIATELY FAILED.

And they had no back-up plan. Not a goddamned one. And you know how I know? Because they've done NOTHING in 12 days except thank me for my FUCKING PATIENCE.

This is not how customer service works, people. I'm not asking for a fucking miracle. I'm asking for an actual attempt by them to pretend like they're doing something. Because right now, I feel like they're sitting around and not doing a goddamned thing but trying to distract people with other cons.

And I WANT to go to Comic Con. Badly. BADLY. REALLY FUCKING BADLY. But I'm at the end of my rope. I don't want to hand over my money to a bunch of assholes who can't even pretend like they're working on the problem. I don't want to give my money to the douchebag convention who can't even muster a daily update of "still fucked. sorry."

Monday's my limit. Something (fucking ANYTHING) on Monday or before Monday, or I'm fucking out.

I watched the first two episodes of "Law & Order: LA" on hulu, hoping it would have a spark of the original L&O, which was canceled because NBC decided keeping it in the same timeslot they'd had it in for fifteen fucking years was just silly.

Having watched those first two episodes, I have some minor quibbles:

--The detectives didn't get named until three-quarters of the way through the pilot
--When they were named, it wasn't made clear who was which
--The detectives didn't seem to have a lieutenant or captain the first episode
--When she showed up in the second episode, she wasn't named
--The ADAs didn't appear to have a boss
--They do now, but apparently we're gonna rotate ADAs

These are quibbles I can get over. The writing is solid; the detectives are good guys, and while I'm not huge on the "Oh! Detectives have families!" thing they're pushing at, at least (so far) they've handled it better than SVU ever did (always seemed like a weird add-on to SVU for me).

So, short version: I like it. I'll give it a chance.

And I finished the first two episodes and saw the teaser for episode 3 was up on hulu. I clicked it. The teaser runs and then informs me that L&O: LA is on Wednesdays at 9.

THE FUCK.

NBC made a big fucking deal about how HARD it was to drop L&O original flavor and OH LOOK, IT WASN'T PULLING IN VIEWERS IN ITS FUCKED AROUND TIMESLOT. And they made a big fucking deal about picking up L&O: LA because the LOVED original L&O so very much.

Yeah, they loved it so much they fucking SHITCANNED IT by moving it around the schedule and gave its timeslot to an inferior fucking copy.

This is NOT ON.

Guys, seriously, you know how much I love L&O. I started watching the original when I was, like, NINE. One of my earliest tv nerd memories is Mike Logan punching a politician in the face. Rey and Lennie were my first team on L&O (with Jack and Claire in the DA's office and Van Buren and Adam in their offices). To say I've been a fan is putting it mildly. The marathons that A&E used to run? I TAPED them.

And for NBC to make a big sob story about, "Oh, we love it, but looking at the ratings we just can't," and then picking up L&O: LA, and then GIVING THEM THE FUCKING TIMESLOT THAT NBC FORCIBLY REMOVED L&O FROM? Come the fuck on!

We won't even get into Peter Coyote vs. Sam Waterston. You know who Peter Coyote is next to Sam Waterston? THE FUCKER WHO ISN'T JACK MCCOY. Look, Peter Coyote, I'm sure you're a good guy. I've got no personal beef. But I don't want a slightly slimy rat DA. I want JACK FUCKING MCCOY.

L&O: LA is officially off my radar. Yeah, the first two episodes were promising, and yeah, Alfred Molina and Terrence Howard have both played ADAs, but knowing the timeslot, the whole thing just disgusts me. NBC didn't want to get rid of L&O. They wanted to get of an L&O they thought wasn't hip anymore. So they burned it to the fucking ground.

Fuck you, NBC. Seriously.

In a recent issue of "Teen Titans," Ryan Choi (aka The Atom) was apparently killed off. This happened, I think, a week after Ray Palmer came back into DC canon, thus the DC canon is not so much down a superhero, but has backtracked and used a previous incarnation of one.

This move, coupled with numerous re-introductions of Silver Age characters that then replace their current-day counterparts, has caused a lot of people to write a lot of things. The biggest thing that's been pointed out: The characters being killed off are non-white. The characters coming back are white.

Many, many people have asked DC to explain why the non-white characters, who have a fanbase and are therefore money-makers for DC, are getting killed off. One of the guys at DC said that there are still non-whites in DC books. There are blue people and green people, and that's showcasing non-white people.

Except, of course, that no humans are actually blue or green.

So, knowing that, I pose a question: Why do we get four Green Lanterns (Hal Jordan, John Stewart, Kyle Rayner, and Guy Gardner) across three separate books (Green Lantern, Green Lantern Corps, the upcoming Emerald Warriors), but it's impossible to have two Atoms in the same universe? Ryan Choi was in "Teen Titans." It is, to my knowledge, the only book he was in. Ray Palmer is a full-grown adult. He wouldn't need to show up in TT. Throw him in JLA. Yeah, crossovers happen, but Wonder Woman and Wonder Girl get along just fine. Why not Ryan and Ray?

Also, there's a part of me that's glad Ted Kord (Blue Beetle II) hasn't come back, because fuck knows what would have happened to Jaime Reyes (the current BB), with the "kill the new kid" trend going on at DC. But, if Ted happened to come back, it's another example of how it's completely possible to have the same characters sharing a name. Ted's an inventor (smarter than Batman), and Jaime's a kid with alien tech. Their age, locations, and personalities are dissimilar; they can easily have completely different adventures. Or--and this is my personal dream--they could do a team-up for a six or twelve-issue run, wherein Ted decides that he wants to open a new branch of Kord Industries in El Paso, and my Blue Boys run around together beating up the bad guys. Given Jaime's continuing attempts in "Blue Beetle" (vol. 2) to emulate Ted, it'd be AWESOME.

But, back to my point: We have 4 Lanterns--No, wait, we have 5. Alan Scott is a Green Lantern, but his ring is magic as opposed to space-magic. We also have three Flashes (Jay, Barry, and Wally, with Ireys possibly growing into the fourth). There are two Green Arrows (Ollie and Connor), and the Bat Family is a never-ending supply of superheroes in the same town, using the same methods, and beating up the same villains. Why does DC feel its necessary to routinely kill off other characters just because they share a name and want to bring back a legacy character?