I seem to be channeling certain LJers.
Jan. 7th, 2005 10:11 am![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
perpetual_motionCertain LJers, who will remain unnamed for their own protection, have been taking apart bad!fic for the past few weeks. While browsing around for "CSI: NY" slash, I stumbled over the first two chapters of a Mary Sue, and couldn't help but give it a whirl.
I don't think anyone will be surprised to find out that I found the story at fanfiction.net. Why do I put myself through pain like this?
fic can be found here: Spot the Sue
Stella Bonasera was looking through applications at the moment. She had come across only two that she thought fully qualified- one Lily Evans (AN: shout out to HP; I’m such a geek), and one Elizabeth Summers.
Just in case anyone's wondering, let me explain something. If you're going to put Author's Notes with a story, you put them either at the beginning or the *end* of the story. If you want to geek out and put in a shout out, that's cool. People do it, but do not, under any circumstances, post the fact that you're doing it *within* the fic. It just looks stupid, and it pulls the reader away from the story.
And now, for further nitpicking:
She was also quite pretty, with her black hair and pale skin. She had a spattering of freckles across her nose (which was adorably tiny), and perfectly shaped eyebrows that stood above ocean gray eyes. A perfect bow of a mouth smiled uncertainly at the camera, and- Mack shook his head. Why in God’s name was he thinking how pretty a woman was? Claire had died a year ago, and here he was, thinking how beautiful this woman was. Already moving on.
Firstly, there is no way Mac Taylor [and that's Ma*c*. Not Mack.] would ever describe a nose as 'adorably tiny'. This guy's a New York cop. They don't talk like that.
Secondly, the description is overdone. Everything's 'perfectly shaped' or 'perfect'. Find me someone who can actually be described as "perfect", and I'll prove to you that she/he's not.
Thirdly, the timeline is wrong. If you go by the way everything was set up in CSI: Miami, the NY crew met the Miami crew in 2004. This story is set after that incident [they need a new CSI because Aiden ran off to Miami to be with Delko], which means that Claire's been dead longer than a year.
Moving on:
But Mack, in a way, wanted to wallow in his pain. He viewed it as his fault that Claire had died- he hadn’t been able to protect her, as he had promised her one-day. “I’ll never let anything happen to you, Claire.” She had laughed. “Well, that’s a funny thing to promise someone, Mack.” He had asked why. “Because, if you promise to never let anything happen to me, then nothing will ever happen to me. That’s not fair.”
I'll let the author have the fact that Mac feels guilty over his wife's death. That's true for anyone, but the conversation? Tripe. Trite. Trash. If you're going to use the tried-and-overused "I'll always protect" you shtick, put a new spin on it or put it to bed.
And speaking of Tripe:
But if someone had looked at the personnel file for Lily Evans, they would have known some things about her. Such as the facts that she was a CSI, Second Grade. She had worked in Las Vegas previously, but had left due to “workplace difficulties”. Lily was born on December 13, in Boston, Massachusetts. Her mother died when she was six, and her father was a cop. She is allergic to peanuts and is O. While working in Las Vegas, she often paid visits to the in-office psychiatrist for “family-related” issues. They would also have learned that when placed under severe stress, she both gets nauseous and throws up, or she faints. But don’t we all?
Gah. Where do I even start with this paragraph? Why has Mac picked her if he hasn't read her file? No good supervisor picks someone for no reason other than the fact that she's pretty [Although, I suppose if you look at the prettiness on NY, it makes a certain type of sense]. Also, this is stuff that should be exposed over the time of the story. This is the stuff that character development and *plot* are made of. Telling the reader everything now makes the rest of the story that much more boring because we know what to expect. Thirdly, her allergy, her bloodtype, and when and where she was born, serve no purpose to the story other than to pad the Mary Sue with "rich details" so that the reader has something to choke on. Plus, the woman faints or get nauseous or throws up in moments of severe stress? She would have never made it in law enforcement at any level. You have to keep a cool head under stress to be in law enforcement. If you're vomiting or passing out everytime you get high stress levels, you can't do your job. Lastly, do *not* talk to the reader at the end of a paragraph like that. It breaks up the narrative voice, and it's stupid.
And, no, I *don't* have those reactions to stress.
I don't think anyone will be surprised to find out that I found the story at fanfiction.net. Why do I put myself through pain like this?
fic can be found here: Spot the Sue
Stella Bonasera was looking through applications at the moment. She had come across only two that she thought fully qualified- one Lily Evans (AN: shout out to HP; I’m such a geek), and one Elizabeth Summers.
Just in case anyone's wondering, let me explain something. If you're going to put Author's Notes with a story, you put them either at the beginning or the *end* of the story. If you want to geek out and put in a shout out, that's cool. People do it, but do not, under any circumstances, post the fact that you're doing it *within* the fic. It just looks stupid, and it pulls the reader away from the story.
And now, for further nitpicking:
She was also quite pretty, with her black hair and pale skin. She had a spattering of freckles across her nose (which was adorably tiny), and perfectly shaped eyebrows that stood above ocean gray eyes. A perfect bow of a mouth smiled uncertainly at the camera, and- Mack shook his head. Why in God’s name was he thinking how pretty a woman was? Claire had died a year ago, and here he was, thinking how beautiful this woman was. Already moving on.
Firstly, there is no way Mac Taylor [and that's Ma*c*. Not Mack.] would ever describe a nose as 'adorably tiny'. This guy's a New York cop. They don't talk like that.
Secondly, the description is overdone. Everything's 'perfectly shaped' or 'perfect'. Find me someone who can actually be described as "perfect", and I'll prove to you that she/he's not.
Thirdly, the timeline is wrong. If you go by the way everything was set up in CSI: Miami, the NY crew met the Miami crew in 2004. This story is set after that incident [they need a new CSI because Aiden ran off to Miami to be with Delko], which means that Claire's been dead longer than a year.
Moving on:
But Mack, in a way, wanted to wallow in his pain. He viewed it as his fault that Claire had died- he hadn’t been able to protect her, as he had promised her one-day. “I’ll never let anything happen to you, Claire.” She had laughed. “Well, that’s a funny thing to promise someone, Mack.” He had asked why. “Because, if you promise to never let anything happen to me, then nothing will ever happen to me. That’s not fair.”
I'll let the author have the fact that Mac feels guilty over his wife's death. That's true for anyone, but the conversation? Tripe. Trite. Trash. If you're going to use the tried-and-overused "I'll always protect" you shtick, put a new spin on it or put it to bed.
And speaking of Tripe:
But if someone had looked at the personnel file for Lily Evans, they would have known some things about her. Such as the facts that she was a CSI, Second Grade. She had worked in Las Vegas previously, but had left due to “workplace difficulties”. Lily was born on December 13, in Boston, Massachusetts. Her mother died when she was six, and her father was a cop. She is allergic to peanuts and is O. While working in Las Vegas, she often paid visits to the in-office psychiatrist for “family-related” issues. They would also have learned that when placed under severe stress, she both gets nauseous and throws up, or she faints. But don’t we all?
Gah. Where do I even start with this paragraph? Why has Mac picked her if he hasn't read her file? No good supervisor picks someone for no reason other than the fact that she's pretty [Although, I suppose if you look at the prettiness on NY, it makes a certain type of sense]. Also, this is stuff that should be exposed over the time of the story. This is the stuff that character development and *plot* are made of. Telling the reader everything now makes the rest of the story that much more boring because we know what to expect. Thirdly, her allergy, her bloodtype, and when and where she was born, serve no purpose to the story other than to pad the Mary Sue with "rich details" so that the reader has something to choke on. Plus, the woman faints or get nauseous or throws up in moments of severe stress? She would have never made it in law enforcement at any level. You have to keep a cool head under stress to be in law enforcement. If you're vomiting or passing out everytime you get high stress levels, you can't do your job. Lastly, do *not* talk to the reader at the end of a paragraph like that. It breaks up the narrative voice, and it's stupid.
And, no, I *don't* have those reactions to stress.
![[identity profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/openid.png){kind=small}
no subject
on 2005-01-08 07:15 am (UTC)God, I have in-fic author's notes. I remember there was this Chloe/Lana story that had a big aside about the awesomeness of the Macaroni Grill.
*while I'm at it, stabs Mary Sues*
no subject
on 2005-01-08 07:20 am (UTC)