I may not make it through chapter two

[perpetual_motion]

These are direct quotes from Twilight:

It was better because it wasn't raining yet

It was better because it wasn't raining yet.

This is a book set in the past tense. How could a past event still have a chance of happening? Does she have a TARDIS hidden somewhere?

though the clouds were dense and opaque

Oh, they're not the only dense thing in this "story". And why do we need to know that the clouds were dense and opaque? I would think the basic human knowledge of dense things usually not being see-through would lead everyone to the right conclusion. I mean, if you could see through the clouds they wouldn't be clouds, right?

Mike came to sit by me in English, and walked me to my next class, with Chess Club Eric glaring at him all the while; that was nattering.

Because Bella's complete self-absorption brings all the boys to the yard. And damn right, she's better than you. Damn right, she's better than you.

I present the following quotes as a full block to set up my next snark:

And it was worse because Edward Cullen wasn't in school at all.

All morning I was dreading lunch, fearing his bizarre glares.

I was terribly uncomfortable, waiting nervously for the moment he would arrive. I hoped that he would simply ignore me when he came, and prove my suspicions false.

He didn't come, and as time passed I grew more and more tense.

I was relieved that I had the desk to myself, that Edward was absent. I told myself that repeatedly. But I couldn't get rid of the nagging suspicion that I was the reason he wasn't there. It was ridiculous, and egotistical, to think that I could affect anyone that strongly. It was impossible. And yet I couldn't stop worrying that it was true.

So, let me see if I get this: Bella's happy that Edward's not there. Except that she wants to see him. Except that he'll glare at her. Except that she's glad he's not there. Except that she misses him.

I'm sorry, I can't hear you over the COMPLETELY UNHEALTHY RELATIONSHIP THIS IS SETTING UP. This reads like the goddamned cycle of violence. She's happy he's not there because he SCARES HER, but she also misses him because OMG HE SEEMS SPECIAL.

SERIOUSLY?

And lets not forget these gems:

Mike, who was taking on the qualities of a golden retriever, walked faithfully by my side to class [...] He lingered by my desk till the bell rang. Then he smiled at me wistfully and went to sit by a girl with braces and a bad perm. It looked like I was going to have to do something about Mike, and it wouldn't be easy. In a town like this, where everyone lived on top of everyone else, diplomacy was essential. I had never been enormously tactful; I had no practice dealing with overly friendly boys.

Translation: I AM A SPECIAL SNOWFLAKE LIKE NO OTHER AND ALL THE BOYS WANT ME SO BADLY AND OMG! IT'S SO HARD TO BE SO VERY, VERY SPECIAL AND HAVE BOYS WANT TO DATE ME. WAAAAH. LOOK HOW HARD I HAVE TO WORK TO BE DIPLOMATIC WHEN I'M NOT INTERESTED IN SOMEONE. AND THE GIRL HE SAT NEXT TO WAS UGLY. BECAUSE SHE HAD BRACES AND A BAD PERM! HOW TERRIBLE HE MUST SETTLE!

How did anyone make it past the first couple chapters of this clap? I don't think I'll even finish the second chapter, I'm spending so much time wanting to claw out my eyes. Before, I could understand this as escapist to a point, but now all I can wonder is HOW?

If you're on my flist, and you've read through them, and you like them to any extent, explain it to me. I mean it. I want to understand how millions of people bought into this.

And so we're clear on the rules: Any net-speaking, whiny bullshit will be promptly ignored. You're not worth my time if you're not going to use all the letters in the alphabet to make your point.

Comments

[leaper182.livejournal.com]

I saw the movie and haven't read the book yet, and it seems that Bella is less of an egotistical bitch in the movie?

Then again, I totally want to slash Carlisle and Bella's dad, because they were the only cool people in the movie.

...

*cough*

[perpet-fic.livejournal.com]

I haven't seen the movie and have no opinion to have there.

I do love that you found some slash. Especially considering the 'abstinence porn' angle of the whole thing.

Now, the big question is: Was the movie anything resembling good, or was it "good" like, say, Sci-Fi original movies?

[leaper182.livejournal.com]

There's some SciFi original movies that I've actually avoided seeing, but my sister mynuet wanted to go see it, so see it we did?

I didn't really have any expectations, though there were some parts that were better than I was expecting? I thought it was going to be shit, so I was kind of pleasantly surprised to discover that I hadn't completely wasted my money?

Methinks your best bet would be to pirate it?

[perpet-fic.livejournal.com]

If I make it through the book, I might try the movie.

It comes down to this: If you like it, you like it. But if you like it and won't listen to any criticism, you need to see a shrink, you know?

I was thinking the other day, I was one of those HP nerds who dressed up, went to midnight releases, and wanted everyone to read the books. But I don't remember anything on the level of this kind of crazy going on. Maybe I hung out with the right wrong HP nerds. I mean, where there is fandom, there is wank, and I'm not convinced HP had the kind of EPIC wank that comes with Twilight.

[butterbuns.livejournal.com]

Not going to lie, if you make it through the book it's more reason to avoid the movie. It's BAD. I mean, not as bad as I thought it was going to be, but it's even cheesier than the book itself in about half of it.

(And I liked the books, which is even worse, haha.)

[perpet-fic.livejournal.com]

I'd have to see the cheese before I made the call. I LOVE cheese movies. I've watched "Ice Spiders" and "Yeti" and "King Cobra". I'm a cheese aficionado.

And what did you like about the books? I'm intensely curious.

[butterbuns.livejournal.com]

Oh I love cheese too, bad sci-fi movies make my life, but when I saw the movie it was just two hours of sitting there going "....wow. Can this end now?" there's one scene in particular where I was talking with my friend and we were like "If this happened in real life, I think I'd smack a bitch. A few times."

I honestly don't know. I mean, I started reading them because everyone I was talking to at the time pretty much was reading them, or had read them, so I did just sort of to see what the big deal was. liked the first three, basically hate the fourth because I think it's about one of the worst things I've ever read, haha. I think it's just that it's total escapism, and if you ignore how bad the writing itself is, they're not really *so* terrible, considering they're aimed towards a younger audience.

[perpet-fic.livejournal.com]

I've recently gone back and re-read a lot of the juvenile and young adult books that I read as a kid. You know the list: Judy Blume, Beverly Cleary, EB White, Lois Lowry, Norma Fox Mazer, Laura Ingalls Wilder. It's amazing to have those in my head and see this and think, "So, this is where we are now. This is the favored literary love when all the writers I grew up with have current editions. How the HELL.

[butterbuns.livejournal.com]

Yeah, it makes no sense to me either. But I mean, I've gone back and read books that have made me go "WTF how did I think this was good and read it like a million times."

[perpet-fic.livejournal.com]

"Flowers in the Attic" is the one I always remember as being fabulous when I was thirteen and an absolute train wreck when I read it again. Oh, god, but what a train wreck.

[jadoreguy.livejournal.com]

I haven't read through the books completely, but to me they're entertaining in the same way that really bad fanfic is sometimes entertaining. If that makes sense?

[lucia-tanaka.livejournal.com]

Mm, but we don't generally pay for badfic, do we~

[jadoreguy.livejournal.com]

This is true, but in my case, I didn't pay for the books. I got them from the public library. :D

[perpet-fic.livejournal.com]

True, but this is also why we have libraries. :)

[perpet-fic.livejournal.com]

That makes perfect sense. It's like the Sci-Fi movies. They're so godawful they're incredibly entertaining.

[desrose.livejournal.com]

I went and saw the movie with a friend (haven't read the books yet, still trying to decide if it's worth the torment--and if my writing style would suffer because of it). I have to say, I went expecting to laugh and throw popcorn at the movie screen and dammit I wasn't disappointed! It was so cheesy. I mean, we reinvented cheese here.

This one scene, and I'm serious, was like: "Oh Edward, how you sparkle!" And sparkle he did. Literally.

I died that day a slow and gruesome death in that theater.

But I will say I didn't run out screaming either, so for what it's worth...

Blah.

[perpet-fic.livejournal.com]

So, a giant "meh", eh?

I think it would be more bearable if it weren't meant to be taken seriously, you know? Trashy good times I can always take for a spin, but this stuff? Seriously?

[desrose.livejournal.com]

I almost want to read it to learn what NOT to do in writing.

And if I read it, I'll get to hate it as much as you do!

But it's so not worth the money.

So I want to thank you for reading this so far, you've made me happy that I can join in the hatred without getting my hands dirty. It'll torment you instead of me. I think that's fair.

[perpet-fic.livejournal.com]

>.>
<.<

I'm not sure how, exactly, you're defining "fair", but I'll roll with it.

[desrose.livejournal.com]

Well, maybe not "fair" but you certainly do a better job of writing entertaining, witty criticism than I ever could.

So for the masses, it's fair, because I'd just write how much hair I tore out of the top of my head in frustration. Nothing half as creative as red monkeys.

[perpet-fic.livejournal.com]

I think "faded red color" is going to be the new, "You have to get out of here. Your vagina is haunted."

And I just realized some context (http://www.the-isb.com/?p=980) would be useful for that.

[tricksterquinn.livejournal.com]

Oh god. I now have visions of Bella Swan having a TARDIS. Which she would use to never do anything ever ever. Poor TARDIS.

See, ok. I have read the first three of these books. I went into the first one KNOWING it would be bad - I'd been handed the book to take on a plane because my friend felt I needed to read it to understand why she was going as Edward Cullen for halloween (& why this was hilarious) and to see the Mormon overtones in it. I read the other two because I have PDFs of them and they have such amazing badfic appeal. I am utterly clueless how ANYTHING could be simultaneously so horrifically written AND so incredibly readable. It's like your brain turns off and just zips through the dreck.

The thing that really bothers me, though, is the freaky abusiveness of their relationship. I am actively horrified by people lauding these as appropriate to kids.

I loved seeing the movie, but I don't recommend watching it without someone else there who feels similarly to you about the books. It's AWESOME if you have someone to make smartass MST-style comments with and laugh your ass off. Otherwise, I can't even imagine.

[perpet-fic.livejournal.com]

I watched the first ten minutes of the movie with my husband, and then we shut it off. And we love cheese. It was just PAINFUL.

[nix-xon.livejournal.com]

My room mate makes "Twilight Sucks" pins. I think I should send you one.

God, I hate this series so very, very much.

[perpet-fic.livejournal.com]

It's just. WOW. How anyone above the age of 12 reads it and takes it seriously, I do not know.