I may not make it through chapter two
Feb. 10th, 2009 03:20 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
perpetual_motionThese are direct quotes from Twilight:
It was better because it wasn't raining yet
It was better because it wasn't raining yet.
This is a book set in the past tense. How could a past event still have a chance of happening? Does she have a TARDIS hidden somewhere?
though the clouds were dense and opaque
Oh, they're not the only dense thing in this "story". And why do we need to know that the clouds were dense and opaque? I would think the basic human knowledge of dense things usually not being see-through would lead everyone to the right conclusion. I mean, if you could see through the clouds they wouldn't be clouds, right?
Mike came to sit by me in English, and walked me to my next class, with Chess Club Eric glaring at him all the while; that was nattering.
Because Bella's complete self-absorption brings all the boys to the yard. And damn right, she's better than you. Damn right, she's better than you.
I present the following quotes as a full block to set up my next snark:
And it was worse because Edward Cullen wasn't in school at all.
All morning I was dreading lunch, fearing his bizarre glares.
I was terribly uncomfortable, waiting nervously for the moment he would arrive. I hoped that he would simply ignore me when he came, and prove my suspicions false.
He didn't come, and as time passed I grew more and more tense.
I was relieved that I had the desk to myself, that Edward was absent. I told myself that repeatedly. But I couldn't get rid of the nagging suspicion that I was the reason he wasn't there. It was ridiculous, and egotistical, to think that I could affect anyone that strongly. It was impossible. And yet I couldn't stop worrying that it was true.
So, let me see if I get this: Bella's happy that Edward's not there. Except that she wants to see him. Except that he'll glare at her. Except that she's glad he's not there. Except that she misses him.
I'm sorry, I can't hear you over the COMPLETELY UNHEALTHY RELATIONSHIP THIS IS SETTING UP. This reads like the goddamned cycle of violence. She's happy he's not there because he SCARES HER, but she also misses him because OMG HE SEEMS SPECIAL.
SERIOUSLY?
And lets not forget these gems:
Mike, who was taking on the qualities of a golden retriever, walked faithfully by my side to class [...] He lingered by my desk till the bell rang. Then he smiled at me wistfully and went to sit by a girl with braces and a bad perm. It looked like I was going to have to do something about Mike, and it wouldn't be easy. In a town like this, where everyone lived on top of everyone else, diplomacy was essential. I had never been enormously tactful; I had no practice dealing with overly friendly boys.
Translation: I AM A SPECIAL SNOWFLAKE LIKE NO OTHER AND ALL THE BOYS WANT ME SO BADLY AND OMG! IT'S SO HARD TO BE SO VERY, VERY SPECIAL AND HAVE BOYS WANT TO DATE ME. WAAAAH. LOOK HOW HARD I HAVE TO WORK TO BE DIPLOMATIC WHEN I'M NOT INTERESTED IN SOMEONE. AND THE GIRL HE SAT NEXT TO WAS UGLY. BECAUSE SHE HAD BRACES AND A BAD PERM! HOW TERRIBLE HE MUST SETTLE!
How did anyone make it past the first couple chapters of this clap? I don't think I'll even finish the second chapter, I'm spending so much time wanting to claw out my eyes. Before, I could understand this as escapist to a point, but now all I can wonder is HOW?
If you're on my flist, and you've read through them, and you like them to any extent, explain it to me. I mean it. I want to understand how millions of people bought into this.
And so we're clear on the rules: Any net-speaking, whiny bullshit will be promptly ignored. You're not worth my time if you're not going to use all the letters in the alphabet to make your point.
It was better because it wasn't raining yet
It was better because it wasn't raining yet.
This is a book set in the past tense. How could a past event still have a chance of happening? Does she have a TARDIS hidden somewhere?
though the clouds were dense and opaque
Oh, they're not the only dense thing in this "story". And why do we need to know that the clouds were dense and opaque? I would think the basic human knowledge of dense things usually not being see-through would lead everyone to the right conclusion. I mean, if you could see through the clouds they wouldn't be clouds, right?
Mike came to sit by me in English, and walked me to my next class, with Chess Club Eric glaring at him all the while; that was nattering.
Because Bella's complete self-absorption brings all the boys to the yard. And damn right, she's better than you. Damn right, she's better than you.
I present the following quotes as a full block to set up my next snark:
And it was worse because Edward Cullen wasn't in school at all.
All morning I was dreading lunch, fearing his bizarre glares.
I was terribly uncomfortable, waiting nervously for the moment he would arrive. I hoped that he would simply ignore me when he came, and prove my suspicions false.
He didn't come, and as time passed I grew more and more tense.
I was relieved that I had the desk to myself, that Edward was absent. I told myself that repeatedly. But I couldn't get rid of the nagging suspicion that I was the reason he wasn't there. It was ridiculous, and egotistical, to think that I could affect anyone that strongly. It was impossible. And yet I couldn't stop worrying that it was true.
So, let me see if I get this: Bella's happy that Edward's not there. Except that she wants to see him. Except that he'll glare at her. Except that she's glad he's not there. Except that she misses him.
I'm sorry, I can't hear you over the COMPLETELY UNHEALTHY RELATIONSHIP THIS IS SETTING UP. This reads like the goddamned cycle of violence. She's happy he's not there because he SCARES HER, but she also misses him because OMG HE SEEMS SPECIAL.
SERIOUSLY?
And lets not forget these gems:
Mike, who was taking on the qualities of a golden retriever, walked faithfully by my side to class [...] He lingered by my desk till the bell rang. Then he smiled at me wistfully and went to sit by a girl with braces and a bad perm. It looked like I was going to have to do something about Mike, and it wouldn't be easy. In a town like this, where everyone lived on top of everyone else, diplomacy was essential. I had never been enormously tactful; I had no practice dealing with overly friendly boys.
Translation: I AM A SPECIAL SNOWFLAKE LIKE NO OTHER AND ALL THE BOYS WANT ME SO BADLY AND OMG! IT'S SO HARD TO BE SO VERY, VERY SPECIAL AND HAVE BOYS WANT TO DATE ME. WAAAAH. LOOK HOW HARD I HAVE TO WORK TO BE DIPLOMATIC WHEN I'M NOT INTERESTED IN SOMEONE. AND THE GIRL HE SAT NEXT TO WAS UGLY. BECAUSE SHE HAD BRACES AND A BAD PERM! HOW TERRIBLE HE MUST SETTLE!
How did anyone make it past the first couple chapters of this clap? I don't think I'll even finish the second chapter, I'm spending so much time wanting to claw out my eyes. Before, I could understand this as escapist to a point, but now all I can wonder is HOW?
If you're on my flist, and you've read through them, and you like them to any extent, explain it to me. I mean it. I want to understand how millions of people bought into this.
And so we're clear on the rules: Any net-speaking, whiny bullshit will be promptly ignored. You're not worth my time if you're not going to use all the letters in the alphabet to make your point.
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no subject
on 2009-02-12 06:59 am (UTC)See, ok. I have read the first three of these books. I went into the first one KNOWING it would be bad - I'd been handed the book to take on a plane because my friend felt I needed to read it to understand why she was going as Edward Cullen for halloween (& why this was hilarious) and to see the Mormon overtones in it. I read the other two because I have PDFs of them and they have such amazing badfic appeal. I am utterly clueless how ANYTHING could be simultaneously so horrifically written AND so incredibly readable. It's like your brain turns off and just zips through the dreck.
The thing that really bothers me, though, is the freaky abusiveness of their relationship. I am actively horrified by people lauding these as appropriate to kids.
I loved seeing the movie, but I don't recommend watching it without someone else there who feels similarly to you about the books. It's AWESOME if you have someone to make smartass MST-style comments with and laugh your ass off. Otherwise, I can't even imagine.
no subject
on 2009-02-12 06:38 pm (UTC)